Your alcohol problems solved: By Sorcha Ni Shuilleabhain, age 9
Dear Sorcha, No doubt you’ve seen the media storm about the Marie Stopes Clinic opening in Belfast this week. Being a staunch DUP member, I’ve no concept of what a woman’s ‘bits’ look like, how they work, nor do I want to have any more information than what was in the pop-up book I got from Jimmy Saville for appearing on Jim’ll Fix It when I was twelve. Which of the following should I do: (a) swap my job for something simpler like the Parades Commission (b) hide under my [...]
Dear Sorcha, Did you see me on the cover of Time magazine with the caption ‘The Celtic Comeback’? Lets hope bullshit still baffles brains, or I’m in deep doo-doo. My immediate problem, apart from dodging journos with their sneaky questions, is figuring out who to trust and when. I know my cabinet ‘colleagues’ are all plotting against me, as they did in 2010 – as well as against each other. My fellow PM’s in the EU don’t care a jot about my troubles, er I mean Ireland’s troubles. I’m even starting to suspect the leprechauns [...]
Dear Sorcha, As you suggested a week or two ago (http://wp.me/p1Lu6S-o5o), to get to know my new flatmates, I brought out a ouija board, and we spent several happy hours bonding while communicating with various dead celebrities. JFK, John Lennon, Adolf and Eva Hitler and Bertie Ahern. (Ooops! Typo–wishful thinking.) A pleasant evening of conversation, hammered on skunk and poteen, turned as sour as a Labour TD’s departure, when up popped Jimmy Saville, asking whether he could ‘Fix It’ for us. As you can guess, after an extremely pleasant chat [...]
Dear Sorcha, Every year when we return to TCD, we thespians in AmDram Soc bake brownies to attract freshers to sign up with us during Freshers Week. The competition is incredibly tough as some other societies use this and other ploys to attract talent. Thankfully, this year the President of the Ladies Pole Dancing Club, Jenny Butters-Armstrong, is laid up in bed with burst piles, so I finally have a chance to grab the top spot with my choco-banana and hash muffins. The only problem is that Debbie Dallas-Browne is also [...]
Dear Sorcha, I was discussing campaign strategy with your BFF Justin Beiber today, and he suggested I get in touch with you, as you’ve helped so many people with your excellent advice. Not just students, but celebrities, royalty and even peacekeepers around the world.
Dear Sorcha My brother-in-law Harry has just called me via satellite phone from Kabul and suggested I get in touch, following your wise advice to him of swapping the predatory press, for the much friendlier Taliban in Afghanistan. William and I snuck away last week for a few days by ourselves, with only our protection officers, cooks, cleaners, butlers, press secretaries, drivers, admin staff and a few other essentials. Our visit to Provence was announced in the local press and our villa could clearly been seen from a nearby public [...]
Dear Sorcha, I hear you’re busy getting ready to meet with EU Finance Ministers soon after they pleaded for your help. I have a more urgent problem than Spain’s imminent collapse, that I need your help with. I’m starting at DCU soon and am thinking about how I can best get to know my flat- mates. Obviously, the first thing that springs to mind is burglary, but I’m not sure if that’s everyone’s bag, especially students with a new iPhone, who might not appeciate having to buy it back off eBay. Any suggestions? Aoife 1st Yr Criminal [...]
Dear Sorcha I read on Twitter that you’re off to Syria soon, to broker a peace deal, but before you go, I badly need your help with something more important. I’ve been accepted by TCD to study Plant Philosophy and Hedge Management, which my careers advisor said will assure me of a successful career. However, I’m socially awkward, not very good looking and have a pretty impenetrable Kerry accent which most people in Dingle can’t even understand. Should I forego eating for the whole term and instead buy an iPhone [...]
Dear Sorcha, I’m dying to cavort with Prince Harry and get my hands on his crown jewels. I’ve already undergone hypnotherapy and electric shock treatment to erase my revulsion of gingers, but I lack a cunning plan to make him mine forever. Also, I’m worried that my 4’10″ height and reverse hourglass shape might be an obstacle to becoming Princess Gobnait. Please help! Gobnait O Se 2nd Yr Farm Science Tralee Institute Dear Gobnait, Have you considered making a wish? Wishes always come true. A matter of weeks ago, on [...]
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