This week, Elton John unleashed his inner bitch once more to tear into his former friend Madonna. Having previously attacked her in public over lip-syncing at concerts, this time Sir Elton said that the Queen of Pop’s career is over, and in doing so, uttered several of the best insults I’ve heard so far this year: “She looks like a f****** fairground stripper” and “Her tour has been a disaster and it couldn’t have happened to a bigger c***”.
In honour of these ingenious one-liners, we look at some of the best insults to ever grace the pages of celebrity magazines.
If you want top-notch insults, look no further than everybody’s favourite lairy Mancunian, Liam Gallagher. The Oasis frontman has given his two cents on practically everybody on the music scene, including Florence Welch (“I’m sure she’s a nice girl, but she sounds like someone’s stood on her f****** foot”), Chris Martin (“He looks like a geography teacher”), and even Bob Dylan (“I know all about him and that, but he’s a bit of a miserable c*** as far as I’m concerned”). But the wittiest of Liam’s comebacks has to have been his most recent one-liner regarding Man United’s Wayne Rooney- “Wayne Rooney looks like a f****** balloon with a Weetabix crushed on top”.
Comedy genius must run in the Gallagher clan, with Liam’s brother Noel coming out with some gems as well. From tearing into the Kaiser Chiefs (“They don’t mean anything to anybody apart from their f****** ugly girlfriends”); to pitying the blandness of Keane (“Even if one of them started injecting heroin into their c*** people would go, ‘Yeah, but your dad was a vicar, good night’”); and commenting on Jack White’s aesthetic qualities (“He looks like Zorro on donuts”), Noel has delivered some wicked one-liners. Although, nothing beats when he lays into his dear brother- “He’s rude, arrogant, intimidating and lazy. He’s the angriest man you’ll ever meet. He’s like a man with a fork in a world of soup.”
TV personality Joan Rivers makes a living off of making fun of celebrities. There’s hardly a starlet in Hollywood that Rivers hasn’t reduced to a joke. She has called Britney Spears “white trash”; told TMZ that former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin “should go to another planet and get out of our faces”; and said that actor Tommy Lee Jones “makes Hitler look warm and funny”.
Brit comedian, actor and former Mr Katy Perry, Russell Brand, made his name in America by insulting absolutely everybody when he presented the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards. Brand caused huge controversy for mocking the Jonas Brothers for their wearing of purity rings (“A bit of sex never hurt nobody”). But perhaps the funniest insults of the night were aimed at president at the time, George W. Bush. Brand referred to Dubya as “the retarded cowboy fella” and said that in Britain, Bush “wouldn’t be trusted with scissors”. Brilliant.
Before Lily Allen settled down and started a family, she was all about starting feuds- namely with Britain’s darling, Cheryl Cole. There was no room for niceties in Allen’s tirades, the best of which was this: ““Taking your clothes off, doing sexy dancing and marrying a rich footballer must be very gratifying. Your mother must be so proud. Stupid bitch.” Cole and the rest of Girls Aloud were not amused.