Dear Sorcha,
My girlfriend has a fierce temper and when I do something to annoy her, which is several times a day, she pulls a face and calls me retarded. This got me thinking and I was wondering if it’d be too late to represent Ireland in the Paralympics? I’d never have a hope of getting selected for the Olympics. I’m a humanities student, so mostly just sit around all day, drinking beer and playing video games. I was thinking that winning a Paralympic gold, might help me get a better girlfriend?
Yours desperately,
Eamon
3rd yr Philosophy
NUIM
Dear Eamon,
We staged our own Olympics at playtime the other day and ours was even better because we allowed both disableds and ableds to take part together because children aren’t prejudiced like adults. It was all going really well until Gobnait O’Kelly-O’Farrell-O’Sullivan got her electric wheelchair caught in a hurdle and we had to leave her on her side blocking the track. This was a mistake because a partially sighted Michael Kelly-Kavanagh (who is also partially disabled due to his recent circumcision) didn’t stop in time during the one hundred meters sprint and crashed into Gobnait, causing additional injuries to her as well as his already tender privates. This caused a pile up of wheelchairs, crutches and bodies on the track and then to make matters worse, Michael’s injury meant his mum withdrew her sponsorship offer of a Chupa Chup for every participant, which resulted in tears and tantrums all round.
So you see Eamon, a bit like swapping Brian Cowen for Enda Kenny, what might seem like a good idea, can soon descend into a car crash, so try to think a few steps ahead, before attempting a cunning plan to get yourself a less psychotic girlfriend.
Hope that helps!
Sorcha
(from sunny Syria)
Sorcha is currently advising Kofi Annan’s peace mission to Syria, plus helping Kristen Stewart to win back Robert Pattinson – the latter being a real challenge. However, if you think you have a problem that might tax Sorcha’s unique problem solving skills, send her a comment below.
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