Back Wesht and throughout the midlands, children enjoy rolling around in the muck like savages. Young adults now spend money to roll around in the muck to the sound of music. It can be a crazy time. One minute you’re enjoying a quiet can whilst listening to your “fav band evz” and the next, you’re contracting a debilitating STI from a man who refers to himself as “Spud the LadyPeeler”. One can only survive with determination, resilience and a dash of self-delusion.
1) The Journey. Outdoor concerts usually involve a never-ending trek from the parky place to the musicy place. Feet, arms, legs, and any other parts you can think of, sear in pain. Tears fall as the promise of music seems like it will never come. Rumour has it that Sherpas can now be bought, two for a yuuuro, outside certain events. They carry all of your essentials while entertaining you with tales of their childhood and the infinite bond they share with their donkey. Arms will no longer feel the deep burn inflicted by heavy crates and other essentials like the friend who can walk no further.
2) The Ground. Irish outdoor events are notoriously soggy due to a strange moist substance which hangs in the air all year. Some call it precipitation, others call it rain. Wellies must be worn at all times to avoid an extreme case of Brown Foot. Each footfall lands with the sound of a vet’s hand as it enters a cow mid-calve. Event organisers often lay down flooring in certain places and these patches of artificial, white ground eventually become slippery death traps. Slippery death traps of doom. Organisers covered Phoenix Park in straw last weekend but scientists have yet to prove that straw has the power to stay dry in the rain. In any case, just cling desperately to a friend’s shoulder as you drag your muck sodden feet onwards and upwards to the music.
3) Roughians. These rapscallions are notorious for sucking the life and soul out of any occasion. It is important that you identify and avoid such a crowd. Keep your eyes peeled for boisterous behaviour and your ears peeled for the shouting of rude things and such lark. The sentence: “C’mere and I fight ya,” although appealing, is not an invitation you should accept. Never, under any circumstance, make eye contact with a female roughian. If you are a man, their men-folk are protective. If you are a woman, clearly you gave one the ‘fight stare’. It’s like slapping a dual glove across a beer-stained cheek. The knights in luminous yellow armour should come to your aid when summoned. But keep to yourself and avoid a situation, or travesty as the case may be.
Never forget you came for the music.
Never forget you stayed for the craic.
And never forget you left for your sanity.
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