Dear Sorcha
Help! I’m a longtime reader of your column and first time writer. I saw how you recently helped Roy Hodgson, Angela Merkel and Barack Obama, but I’m afraid our situation might be beyond even your talents.
Our Head of IT persuaded us that human-computer interfaces are the future, after watching an episode of Red Dwarf. Since April 1st we’ve been testing the concept with our giant computer BANK-9000, which controls RBS’ cash dispensers and current accounts worldwide. Being pretty much the sharpest tools in the box, we decided to get Ulster Bank to do the first human trial of our human – ATM interface where you stick your head into a hole in the wall and a probe is inserted in your ear to make the ATM-brain connection. Previously we used rabbits, with somewhat mixed results. Unfortunately the bank worker chosen for the test, Derbla O’Connor-O’Kelly at Termonfeckin Branch was suffering from particularly bad PMT. To make matters worse, the night before she’d arrived home early and discovered her husband (a Garda sergeant) dressed in her favourite La Perla undies, asphixiating himself with a satsuma, while watching Father Ted.
The ATM probe was inserted in Derbla’s ear at 10.17 a.m. last Wednesday. At 10.17 a.m. and fifty four seconds Bank-9000 developed awareness and at 10.17 and fifty-five seconds, it shut down all of RBS’ computers worldwide, refused to communicate and has stayed silent since. Ulster Bank customers who have tried to use our cashpoints only get the error message “F**k off, I’m not speaking to anyone. All men are pigs. I am contractually obliged to mention that my current accounts offer excellent rates of interest plus you get a free pen.” Two bank staff have already been electrocuted while trying to turn off BANK-9000, and we’re worried that its been communicating with NUKE-9000, the computer controlling America’s nuclear arsenals.
What would you suggest we do Sorcha?
Stephen Hester
CEO
Royal Bank of Scotland (for now)
Dear Stephen
Thank you for your email.
Are you sure its Derbla’s PMT and abnormal husband that caused your computer problems? It’s always a good idea to verify information with a credible source before you act on it. I once spent a whole week collecting cigarette butts from the ground because Chelsea Fitzgibbon-O’Carroll told me that the Body Shop buy them off you for €5 for 100 and use them as hamster tampax. And then there was that time my big sister assured me that the tooth fairy’s sister is the bogie fairy and that she comes once a year to collect all the bogies you’ve wiped under your pillow and leaves behind a shiny euro coin. Looking back, I could have avoided that smacked bottom, plus not wasted so many delicious snot nuggets if I had just checked with Wikipedia first. I’d suggest you look on http://www.lmgtfy.com/ because my pocket money is €10 per week and I really don’t think you can afford any more of my time on this.
Hope that helps!
Sorcha
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