My grandson Archibald, who’s just completed his goal keeping degree at Wembly University is an avid reader of your column and suggested I ask you for your advice concerning some issues we’re facing here in Krackow. In a nutshell, its all a bit tense.
To help me cope, the FA have produced a kind of Venn diagram to show who has slept with who’s wife and which players have a court injunction out against each other.
I plan to overcome these issues with a bit of a singsong over tea and marmalade sandwiches. This always worked at West Brom.
What has the squad deeply unsettled however, was the lack of racist abuse during today’s public training session. We’re all wondering why the Polish neo-nazis never bothered to show up, after they made such a fuss at the Dutch session, just down the road. Could it be that they believe our squad is so hopeless, we’re not worth taunting? We’re considering making an official protest to UEFA about this discrimination, however before we do, Archibald suggested I ask you for your advice.
England Manager (for now)
I think the Dutch and teachers must be quite similar because my teacher, Mrs O’Flynn, wasn’t delighted when Eamon Kennedy-O’Mally wrote ‘Gobnait O’Flynn is a cross-eyed spunk magnet’ on the classroom whiteboard in foot high red letters. Not very impressive you might think. However, Eamon usually sits in the corner and drools and it took him all last year to learn how to write his own name, so we were doubly shocked that he’d mastered some grammar and then signed his name afterwards. Mrs O’Flynn was even more distressed by the revelation that the jibe was written in indelible marker, meaning that, six weeks later, the phrase has inadvertently become a kind of class motto, emblazoning the space above Mrs O’Flynns’ head as she addressed our mummies and daddies during parent’s evening. But some kind soul has also jazzed up the corner of the slogan with a tiny bum doing a poo, so all in all it really is a thought-provoking piece.
Hope that helps!