Think back to one of the more awkward experiences of your life. It may have been that time you were jocked in front of your crush, and rather than laugh, she just shook her head in pity. It may have been that time you were caught by your mam during your special alone time with one arm, quite literally, longer than the other. Or it may have been the time you walked in on your dad wearing high heels and full makeup while singing ‘Bad Romance’ into a hairbrush.
Whatever it was, at least you only have to endure these awful experiences once.
After that horrible incident has occurred, you can at least leave for Mexico to start a new life. However, there are some awkward experiences which happen too regularly for my liking, and have a habit of occurring when you’re already in a bad mood and just want to go home and eat a head of lettuce. These are the ones which seem to strike more often than any other, and make me wary to leave my home for fear of having to engage socially with other semi-intelligent members of society.
1) Trying to dodge the charity people:
You’re a good person. You love your family. You work hard. You read through pointless articles on the internet to distract yourself from studying. However, even the best of us tremble in fear at the prospect of being stopped by the charity assassins. Although they tend to mostly congregate around large towns, don’t ever think you’re safe, as that’s exactly what they want. As soon as you let your guard down – BAM! They hit you with a one-two punch of guilt that would make Ghandi reel. Politely refusing them by saying you have no money, while simultaneously trying to stop the coins in your pockets from making any noise, is possibly one of the most awkward things ever.
2) Making eye contact with people in waiting rooms:
So you’re sitting in the waiting room for the doctor, quietly minding your own business. You’re looking around the room, trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with all of these people and if you’re going to catch the plague. As you gaze around, your eyes lock with some random stranger’s. You look into their eyes. They look into your eyes. You aren’t willing to look away, thinking that to drop your eyes would be to indicate some sort of weakness which would lead to you being kicked out of the surgery for being unable to brave the waiting room. All of a sudden, you notice that the stranger’s trousers are shifting ever-so-slightly. You tear out of the surgery and hide under your blanket in your bed for the next week; crying and listening to Christina Aguilera’s ‘Beautiful’ in an effort to make the hurt go away.
3) Trying to remember someone’s name:
“Hey, Andy, this is…” All of a sudden, for no reason at all, you completely blank. You’ve been getting along great with this randomer who your mate introduced you to, but now, for the life of you, you can’t think of her name. Perhaps it’s the fact that it’s a foreign name. Maybe it’s because you’re slightly intoxicated. Or it might be because you were too busy trying to stare at her arse when you were introduced. Whatever it is, you begin to panic as you realise that she isn’t going to introduce herself. You desperately cycle through all the possible names. Amélie? You’re pretty sure that she’s not actually foreign. Quasar? That’s a game, not a name. Jane. Jane is a pretty common name. You decide to go with Jane. The elbow in your testicles a second later, however, immediately confirms that your guess is wrong.
4) Getting stuck in a chat with someone you can’t stand:
There’s always that one person who you can’t stand and who, for whatever reason, seems completely oblivious to that fact that you never want to talk. These are the same people who always manage to corner you when you have no escape. You’ll be sitting on a bus, pondering the meaning of life and whether you should switch to a different toothpaste, when they’ll sit right beside you (when the rest of the seats are empty, naturally) and start jabbering away about shit you don’t care about. No matter how disinterested you seem, it won’t matter. Even when you jump out the window to escape, they’ll join in, thinking you’ve started a new ‘bus jumping’ trend. That’s when you hire Chuck Norris as your bodyguard.
5) Forcing conversation with estranged relatives:
“So James.” says your great-uncle twice removed. “I hear that you go to school. How’s that working out for ya?” This is only a sneak preview of some of the more cringe-worthy conversation-starters that distant relatives will attempt when your family meet for its annual Christmas gathering. You dig your fingernails so hard into your hands that you feel bone, but it doesn’t help at all. “Well Emma,” your granddad’s brother begins, while staring at the spot just over your head as if it were the Second Coming of Your Man Himself. “You’ve gotten very tall. Are you on growth hormones?” Pray for death all you want, it won’t come.
Do you fall down often, call your lecturer ‘Mam’, accidentally swear in mass? What awkward, Liz Lemon-worthy moments have you to share with us?
Image from KDE via WikiCommons