I was in Dún Laoghaire earlier this week to announce 100 new jobs. It was one of those usual boring events. Company executives, enterprise chiefs and politicians. Some Lad makes a speech blah blah blah. Some woman makes a speech blah boring blah. The next thing I know someone is poking me in the side. “Not now Fionnuala”, says I, “I’ve had a busy day and I’ve got a bit of a headache”! “T-Shock, your speech” says my aide. It was a bit embarrassing. I told all assembled that I had my eyes closed because I was reflecting deeply on what was being said (Forty feckin’ reflections more like, blah blah blah). I think I got away with it though.
Cabinet Meeting 30 April 2012
“Right Lads” says I. “Order lads, ORDER. Reilly, put that feckin cream bun down and listen! Right lads, there is only one item on the agenda today and that is ensuring that we get a yes vote in the fiscal compact tree-a-tee referendum ………… ORDER! What the feck are ye all laughing at ? Settle down I tell ye! Now, “Hulk”, much as it pains me, considering the complete balls-up you made of the household and the septic tank charges, this falls under your remit so I’m relying on you (I can’t believe I’m saying this) to make sure that come 31 May we get a resounding yes vote.
“But Boss” says the Hulk, “Whatever chance we had of collecting 100 euro, we’ve no bloody chance off getting them to vote yes for this. There’s a lot of anger out there you know!”. “I don’t want to feckin hear it” says I. “If we do not get a feckin’ yes vote “Das Boss” will have my balls. And if I’m going to suffer, YOU are going to suffer, do I make myself clear! “Yes Boss, sorry Boss”.
Then Happy Gilmore pipes up, “But T-Shock, the Hulk has a point in fairness. This is not going to be an easy accomplishment going forward. How do you suggest that we achieve it?”
“Like we always do” says I (ya feckin eejit ya). “We’ll scare the feck out of them. By the way, that was nice work the other day Limerick Mickey. I especially liked the bit about the budget to end all budgets threat if there was a no vote”.
Next thing, the “She Devil” herself says – in only the way she can, – “But T-Shock why don’t we just tell the people the truth, Explain to them in a logical and honest way what exactly it is we are trying to protect. “What” says I, “My pension fund? They’ll never understand!”
Telephone conversation with “Das Boss” 1 May 2o12
Kenny: Good morning “Das Boss”, How are you this fine mor..?
Merkel: Shus up Edna you Dummkopf. I vant to know vot you are doing to make sure zat your people vote yes in ze Fiscal Zreaty? You owe us a loss of money my little schwachsinnige.
K: “Daaas Boooss” … there is absolutely no need to be concerned. I am convinced that the Fiscal Tree-a-tee will be a …
M: Vot ze hell are you salking about ? I vant to know abous ze Zreaty ! But that’s what I was talking about “Das Boss”, the Tree-a-tee. I need to go to the toilet. You dummer arsch.
Anyway, I must dash, busy man blah blah. The Vita Cortex workers, on who’s behalf I worked long and hard to make sure they achieved their aims, have finally settled and there may be a photo-op.
So, good Citizens of Europe, until next week.
Yours blah blah say cheese blah etc………………