This week: Water meters, onion bhajis and pepper spray – another week in Irish politics
There appears to be some confusion and misinformation in relation to water meters (some feckers’ just can’t keep their mouths shut). There have been reports in the media that water meters could cost each household up to €300. My Government is cognisant of the fact that some people are suffering financially during these difficult times and I would like to assure ye all that water meters will be sourced so as to present to the householder the best value possible. There will however be a few other minor costs to consider.
While the Government will fully cover the cost of the installation of the water meter, the householder will be expected to provide food and accommodation to the “Lads” doing the work. It is anticipated that this should take about two days, no longer than a week …or two at most. The “Lads” will require three full meals a day, comfortable beds, access to Sky Sports, a front door key to let themselves back in after nights out on the town and a constant supply of tea and bicky’s. If we could also ask any citizens that actually have a job, when ye are getting up in the morning to do so as quietly as possible because the “Lads” usually have a bit of a lie-in.
That big dope J.R.’s been at it again. He wants restaurants to put calorie count information on their menus. Now, as you may be aware, Edna is quite partial to a Friday night curry after a social rock-shandy or three. I usually have a few onion bhaji’s to start, followed by a nice lamb bhuna with pilau rice and garlic naan. It’s one of the highlights of my week and I don’t want to know that there’s 4,500 feckin’ calories in the feckin’ thing, it takes all the good out of it! And that’s only the half of it. Last Friday night I’m there, basking in a wonderful curry afterglow and I ask for the bill.
Sanjay the owner (normally a nice placid chap) comes out to me. “Teashop” he says, “What the bloodys hell is all this calories countings about ? My print supplyings is telling me I am havings to pay €3000 for printings new menus, maybe you should bugger off and find somewhere else to be eatings your weekly curry”. I don’t know what I’m going to do for my Friday night curry now, The “Tandoori Palace” is the only Indian in the village. And he charged me full feckin’ price as well!
This morning I had my usual telephone conversation with “Das Boss”. Let me tell you, she was not a happy fraulein, and she’s getting worse by the day! She had heard reports about the goings-on at the Labour conference in Galway over the weekend. “Edna, vot the hell ver your polizei doing in Galvay? Spwaying people vid ze pepper spway ? I specifically instwucted you zat in such situashuns zey should use ze teargass unt ze vater cannon blah blah blah. At least it kept her mind off the Fiscal Compact Treaty. And no, I still haven’t read it, Loads of time blah.
Anyway, I must dash, busy man blah blah, they’re serving suckling pig, braised potatoes, apple, almond purée and cider foam in the Dail canteen and if I don’t get there before J.R. and “Phil the Hulk” there’ll be nothing left. So, until next week good citizens of our fine and inhospitable country.
Yours blah blah etc.
An T-Shock – Edna Kenny