They are out there folks – student virgins – shneakier than a shlippery shnake, fooling you that they are indeed just like everyone else.
Nosexosaurus is a humble creature, often found roaming the computer labs or grazing in those interactive internet cafes one can play games in. In today’s world, the species is nearing extinction as Bebo stunnahs cause an increase in underage sex.
Some of these v-people are who they are due to circumstance – never got the chance, “wasn’t ready”. Some people see it as a sin of some sort and resort to other forms of entertainment like reading, long romantic strolls or suppressing their sexual frustration and tearing up things in the process. Some people took computer courses and their virginities, tragically, grew back.
But what to do if you, or indeed a friend, are a member of said species? You can reveal yourself as one of these rare creatures, or, if you prefer, spend the rest of your life in a relationship with your hand and a box of tissue.
Admitting is the first step. Dearest virgin, put down that Lord of the Rings in your hand – Frodo will be right where you left him – and step away from all that dragon stuff you own. It is time to tell your friends what they secretly knew all along.
No you did not arrive home with 3 women and a dog, yes it really was you banging on the walls and no you did not lose it to a ridiculously attractive older man/woman in a car akin to Night Rider on the side of a mountain overlooking the sea while Barry White crooned nearby in his deep and soulful voice (or some other tomfoolery like that).
Having confessed to your friends, things might get emotional – or ‘totes emoshe’ if you’re that way inclined. Be warned they may shun you or – worse still – they may drag you on a hunt to lose it in a quest like that of Steve Carrel in 40-year-old Virgin.
V for Vendetta the hunt will be called. Vendetta means to seek vengeance but if you’re a man or boy or indeed a man-boy, change vengeance to vagina and you have yourself a noble quest with an even nobler title. Every quest needs a steed – noble or otherwise – and like a loyal mule, your friend should let you ride gloriously into social occasions on his/her back. Every quest needs suitable supplies i.e. functioning organs, protective equipment and a determined (yet sexy) game face. Every quest needs a means to an end.
Be not afraid my child: your friends will take the utmost care of you on your strange and rather awkward journey. If you are concerned about a friend or acquaintance, say it to them gently, have some tea, maybe watch an educational video or two and some YouTube videos of some lonely cat people (holds no relevance what so ever but a bearded woman stroking a cat is always a good ice-breaker).
Go, girl, boy or any politically correct definition of a person I left out, seek happy nights to happy days.
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