“First Dates.” Now close your eyes and think of the first thing that comes into your head after those words.
Ads for dating sites seem to imagine frolicking couples feeding grapes to each other on handmade picnic mats, or splashing half naked into some Agean tropical ocean.
Quite frustrating, as this image couldn’t be further from the truth. Partially because filling your mouth with soft fruit in the shape of balls while drowning yourself in salt water is neither practical nor clever on a first date; and partially because this would mean they are enjoyable.
In my opinion, first dates are the same as sitting in a job interview: sweating in something uncomfortable while you’re scrutinized by a panel of critical executives, dissecting you like a monkey in a costume. It’s basically an interview on your personality. Are you hot enough? Funny enough? Flirty enough? If you pass the desired quota, you might be invited back for round two of Gulag interrogation, then dumped when you accidently let slip you have a phobia of straws.
Why can’t we just enter our details into an accurate Match-Making Machine which would then select the perfect partner for us, the perfect place to meet and the perfect conversation so that everything runs smoothly and we live happily ever after? (And no, dating sites don’t count).
It would certainly save a lot of painful and mortifying ordeals for the human race. But until I make my millions designing this top-notch Match-Making machine, we’re stuck grimacing through bad spaghetti while Larry tells us about his fifth cat Millie and re-tightens his braces using the dessert spoon.
If you’re a fan of Twitter, you may of heard of author and musician Rodhri Marsden’s ‘First Date’ viral sensation. As I am a devote fan and follower, I was idly sitting in work one day when I seen a huge number of tweets by Rohdri. When the writer posted a humorous ‘first-date’ story on his page, hundreds of his followers replied with hilarious tales of their own; thus starting a Twitter ‘First-Date’ pandemic.
I probably looked like a mad ape in the office as I wheezed and cried with the laughter on my own at the desk, but it was worth the stares… The tweets inspired him to set up a Twitter Storify page, where he posted every tweet replied to him.
It goes likes this: “I was walking through Clapham on Tuesday evening. A pub near the common reminded me of a bad date I went on. I tweeted about it. This is what ensued… “Send your tweets to @firstdatehell
Here are a few gems:
1. “I dated a proto-Goth who spent the entire meal asking me to describe dead people and how peaceful they looked (I was a cop then)”
2. “Met guy at his flat, opened door in blue check fleece dressing gown and an electronic tag on his ankle, “Shall we just stay in?”
3. “I went on a date with a man who took my used napkin at the end of the meal in case he needed it later.”
4. “One of my dates suggested I guess the length of his penis about, oh, half an hour in. When I demurred he got all GUESS. JUST GUESS.”
5. “Had date, no chemistry, didn’t call her. Years later saw her on TV makeover show, saying sadly she’d only been on 1 date in her life.”
There’s MORE if you didn’t get your fill of laughing your head off at other people’s misery (mwhahaha), just log onto Rohdri’s Storify page.
Have you ever had a grueling date? Of course you have. Think we could start out own ‘Studenty’ Date epidemic? Let’s start here, I want your most mortifying, painful and soul-wrenching date-memory in a comment, (and leave in all the grisly bits :p )
Image Source : NewYork Press